Week Two Wrap-Up: Mentally Challenged

Week two has come to an end and we are happy to have survived. Being so inexperienced at the whole running thing, each week brings tons of lessons. I have gone into this whole ordeal knowing that I am physically challenged and thinking that the struggle was going to be getting my body to do the physical requirements. What I have found already is that marathon training is equally as mentally challenging. This week I have been all over the map mentally. I have gone from a high of completing a 5K and NOT being the last person to finish (my first event to not have the crowd join me at the end.... sigh of relief) and feeling stronger each day to the low of thinking that this is the most ridiculous idea that I have ever come up with and wanting to quit.

I went "running" with my hubby this week and found that to be very mentally discouraging. Not that he meant it to be in any way and probably isn't aware of how much it affected me (uhhh.... until he reads this post, lol). Poor guy- as usual, he is just trying to help. I know that I am the slowest "runner" that most people will ever meet in their life time, it is just the way it is. In fact it has become a joke over the last couple of years that "I run in jogging position at walking speed". Sammy, my youngest son, even asked me once, "Mom, why do you walk faster than you run?" The innocence of a child. I can laugh most of the time at this. I guess I was getting a little more confident as I have trained and I am used to running with Amanda who will get ahead of me and then very kindly jog in place (or back to me) while I catch up. Well, when Rick went with me he decided that it was just easier to walk quickly next to me. Only occasionally would he have to "jog" a step of two to keep up. And I mean quite literally... a step or two at the most... and that wasn't often! This became very discouraging to me. It made me question the whole thing and think about how ridiculous this all is. Who am I fooling? The answer kept creeping in my head... myself.

This is a place that I have found myself in before. I have to keep asking, "Who am I doing this for?" and "What is my purpose?" The "Who" part is really a two-fold answer. I am doing this for myself, to strengthen my body and mind but I am also doing this for my family and all those that are dearest to me. I want to be healthy and strong and do all I can to be there for them and be able to see them grow. In all reality, for that to happen there has to be a physical change that takes place and I have to make my health more of a priority. The "What is my purpose" part is equally as complicated to answer. Health, regular training schedule, accomplishing a personal goal, doing something that so few in our society ever try, spending time with my sweet daughter... are all good answers and all play a part. The most honest answer is probably "just to prove to myself that I can accomplish something that is so personally challenging taking one step at a time". Why do I have to keep measuring my success based on another person's success? So what if I am the slowest person in the event.... I am doing it, right? I am getting healthier and stronger in the process. I am achieving my goal. Now, how do I really get that into my brain? I am not sure, I guess just keep taking one step at a time.

This week was equally challenging for my darling running partner. I am sharing WAY more on here than my comfort zone but I want this to be completely honest, so that when we look back we remember the lessons that we have learned and the process of learning them. Manda just had one of those difficult "growing up" weeks. It was EXTREMELY emotional and difficult. I think it just all caught up with her during our long run on Saturday and she began to crumble. The run was just hard and felt a little bit symbolic of how life was feeling. I have found that the first mile to a mile and a half is ALWAYS difficult for me, if I push through it my lungs will begin to relax and there comes a point that jogging is joyful. I was just getting to that point, feeling the joy and I realized that my running partner that is always in the lead was WAY behind me. I felt good, so I just kept going.

It wasn't long before I came to an obstacle in the path that was going to require me to turn around and jog the other direction. I decided this was a good opportunity to see why Manda was being so slow. I headed back her way and found her in complete shambles. I asked her, "What is going on?". She could hardly speak and just said, "I can't do it, it is just too hard". I wish I could say that I was sympathetic and sensitive to what was really going on inside of her. I wasn't. I quickly told her to stop letting her mind control her body and kept going. Wow... one of my finer mothering moments, eh? I was irritated that right when I got to the part that was easier for me, she broke down.

There are so many life lessons to learn every day. I am grateful for a quiet, loving, still small voice that speaks to me and continually teaches me. Some say this is your conscious, some say a motherly intuition but as for me, I believe it is the voice of a very holy and sacred spiritual guide called the Holy Ghost. As I continued to run and be irritated instead of loving and understanding I couldn't help but have flashes of all the times that she ran next to me when I go tremendously below her speed. I thought of all the mornings (and evenings) that she was the one next to me encouraging me not to give up. More than once she would go get my inhaler that I carelessly left behind and a million other things without complaint or being critical of me. Here I was so caught up in myself that I left her alone feeling defeated.

I was humbled and ashamed of myself that I had to be reminded of all that she has done for me. I stopped running and went back to her once again and this time with a different heart. I hugged her and told her that we would just stick together and do whatever she needed. She put her chin up, took a few steps, gave it her all just to breath in and out steadily. I heard a few gasps for air and she fought the sobs that kept trying to escape and my heart broke for her. Once again in life she showed me what she is made of. When things are difficult for her, she holds her head up and keeps going. By the third mile she was back to her normal pace (way ahead of me) and very considerately jogging in place and waiting patiently for me to catch up. By the fifth mile she was climbing in a tree to pick her mom an apple as she waited for me. By the sixth mile, she was cheering me on telling me how proud she was of me and what a great job I was doing as she was waiting at our finishing marker. If the only thing I ever gain from the marathon training is realizing how blessed I am to have such a wonderful daughter, then it is all worth it.

Shaping Your Own Reality

"Change your thoughts or actions and you can change your reality"
p 31 The Non Runner's Marathon Trainer

It didn't take long to figure out my theme for the week. By 6:45 am I had already had a bowl of oatmeal and several HUGE servings of self-doubt. I was thinking "Why did I start that dumb blog?" It was kinda like the morning of my first 5K, it would be so easy to slip back into my little cave and disappear. If I hadn't announced it to the entire world that I was going to complete this marathon I wouldn't feel like such a quitter if I changed my mind and chose not to do it! =)

Several thoughts kept running through my mind, none of which were positive or self empowering. I had an internal recording of every negative thing that I have heard or thought. I kept getting stuck on something that I heard last weekend during the 5K... and it wasn't even directed towards me at all but I was having a hard time shaking it. I happened to be jogging near a man talking to his wife and he made a passing remark that I have no idea in what context he meant it, saying "Well, a real runner would complete this under 30 minutes". I have no idea what they were even talking about, I only bring this up to show you how easy it is to take something that someone else says and impose it upon ourselves. The thought kept running through me, "Who are you trying to fool?" and " You know you are not a REAL runner and never will be". It continued with thoughts such as "Do you really think that YOU can EVER run 26 miles?"

Not only was I gorging myself with self doubt but this happened to be the training day that I was by myself running. Manda, my running partner had gone with some friends on a pretty intense mountain bike trail so I was going to have to get through this on my own. At this point I knew that I was at a pivotal point and had to choose to be successful or choose to drop my dream... but it was MY choice. I remembered the mental training from last week and told myself that I was going to welcome the struggle, create positive thoughts to energize myself and keep my legs moving. My breathing was a real struggle and couldn't seem to get it stabilized but I was determined not to stop. I started remembering the quote in my favorite training book;

"Change your thoughts or actions and you can change your reality"

p 31 The Non Runner's Marathon Trainer

This is a lesson that I had learned earlier in life and knew that it was within my capability to change my own reality. It's funny that I drew strength from something that didn't even have anything at all to do with running. I was thinking about when Rick and I had made the choice to homeschool our children and the confrontation that we ran into. There was one particular lady who decided it was her job to guide us and protect us from the decision that we were making. When she realized that we were quite serious about our choice to homeschool she made the comment, "What do you think you are doing? You are just removing them from reality and they aren't going to be able to deal with it when they are older." At first, I was just shocked that she felt the need to speak so boldly and didn't know how to respond. It didn't take long for me to come to my senses and I learned a lesson that sunk in deeply and can be applied to many different aspects of my life. It was simply that I was not removing the ability of my children to deal with reality, I was changing their reality. I learned then that many times we choose to live a reality because it is comfortable- it is what we know or those around us know- but it is not the only reality available to us. Our thoughts and our actions really do determine our reality.

Having already tested this principal in my life and finding it to be a true one, I now need to apply it to my running. I may just get the world record for being the "slowest" runner but it is my feet, legs and lungs that are making it happen. I am doing it, therefore, in reality I am a "real runner". I am in the process of testing the mental application of changing my thoughts and experiencing a physical reaction. I can tell you that so far, so good. For the rest of my 4 mile run I worked at feeding myself positive thoughts such as "I am getting stronger with every step" and "I can run a marathon if I train... and that is what I am doing" and "Keep going, your breathing will stabilize". It worked. After 15 WHOLE minutes of struggling to get control my lungs finally relaxed and I was able to jog every single step of the 4 miles without stopping one single step!! When my legs started to hurt, I just smiled and did exactly what my training manual told me. I welcomed the pain and told it that I was happy to feel it. It just meant that I was getting stronger and one step closer to being ready to run my marathon. It was the best run of my entire life so far. Not that I improved on time at all, but I struggled, overcame and conquered. AND, I did it all on my own. By 8:00 am, I had changed my reality.

Week One Wrap-Up

Week two starts in the morning but as for tonight, I am enjoying the last few minutes of my "Day of Rest". Surprisingly, I am not sore today. I figured that after all the hill climbing during the 5K I would be hurting today because I was feeling it yesterday. I was also a little concerned when in my last mile ( keep in mind that Manda and I had to run 2 extra miles after the 5K to complete our long run) I started having a pain in my stomach and felt like I was going to throw up. Not pleasant to hear about I know... but not pleasant to feel either. Just two days before the 5K we did a four mile run that wasn't bad at all. I couldn't figure out why I was feeling so bad going 5 miles? Besides, I have ran 5 miles before and didn't get sick.

Manda informed me that I was turning bright red and didn't look good, she suggested that we stop and walk. Even after walking for several minutes I couldn't shake the sick feeling and pain in my stomach. I made it back to the car and drove the entire 1 mile back home, stretched out well and planted myself on the couch where I remained in pain for several hours. 3-4 hours later I found myself in cold chills, I was concerned that I was having heart issues or something. By 8pm my stomach had continued hurting and I had resolved that I was lucky enough to catch the stomach virus that is wildly taking over the town. It was confirmed thatI had a bug by midnight when other members of the family starting feeling ill and having pain. Isn't it sad that I was so happy to see my family get sick and figure out that it was a stomach bug and not some horrific heart condition? By 4AM I was feeling great, by 9AM I felt just a little guilty smiling watching the rest of the family in misery.

Now, I have made it through a sickness that just so happened to fall on my "Day of Rest" and won't throw me off this next weeks training schedule. Hopefully my running partner will feel better by morning too! I am looking forward to breaking my own training record. I have never ran at one time over 5 1/2 miles, this next week the long run is 6 miles! I have been overwhelmed in support of friends and family. I can't believe how many of you are reading the blog... Oh boy, the pressure is really on now! =)

So many of you have expressed the desire to run also... DO IT!!! It is so gratifying to see your body get stronger. Thank you for your kind words, understanding and support. I can't emphasize enough how much I recommend the Non Runners Marathon Trainer. It is exceptional. It is worth the money, get it on Amazon for cheap or you can even download it right to your computer. I have several copies and it downloaded too! That's saying something if you know how cheap I am.

I have had several friends send me questions, I would like to address a few of them here just in case anyone else is wondering but too afraid to ask in a public forum. One is "What if I seriously can't run for 1 minute?" So what, either could I! (read post 2) One of my favorite sayings comes from a training book that I read early on by John "The Penguin" Bingham, it reads:

"The miracle isn't that I finished. The miracle is that I had the courage to start."

My sister asked me about shin splints. Amazingly, I have never experienced them. However, I am one of those freaks that has to read about everything and then try to heed it all- it can be brain numbing and paralyzing but it is the way I am wired! So, I took it very, very, very slow to start. I started with 20-30 minutes of running a few seconds and then walking. Usually shin splints happen early in training due to over training or later due to over training. Well, no worries there... I couldn't even go fast enough or far enough to over train. My breathing was a much bigger concern (due to my asthma) than the worry of getting shin splints.

Once I was able to sustain a mile though there were other physical barriers for me to get past. Such as my knee hurting and my hip hurting. Yes, I realize that I sound like an old lady. "Oh, my hip hurts and my knee is killing". I was concerned that I was just too heavy for my body to take any kind of running. Thankfully, my training manuals saved me again. What I found out the hard and painful way is the importance of good running shoes.

Did I already mention how incredibly CHEAP I am? My philosophy has always been, "I love Wally World". Low price = me happy! Not when it comes to running shoes. I went out on a limb, even though I couldn't really believe that shoes could make a difference with my hip or knee, I decided to give it a try. I did some research, felt like I kinda had an idea of what I wanted and hit the sporting goods store. It was one of those moments again that I felt out of place and insecure. My mind began going through that insecure process of saying "You don't really belong in here". I was worried about asking for help for fear of the sales clerk thinking "She doesn't really think that she can run, does she?". It is funny how many things we impose on ourselves that are just so negative. For all I REALLY knew they may have been thinking "Good for you, you go girl!". Besides what it all comes down to is what I am thinking, not anyone else. This was something that I needed and I could not let my own insecurities hinder me from buying a silly pair of shoes.

I tried on tons of shoes until I found a pair that was in my comfort zone both physically and financially. They were on sale and I was happy. If I remember correctly, they were on sale for somewhere around $45-50, normally $70.

Now if any of you are wondering, the shoes made a HUGE difference! I am happy to report that my hip has not hurt since then. I am sure that I have need to improve my stance when running and I have probably put some undue pressure on one hip ( since it was only one side that ever hurt) but with good shoes that help balance, the pain is gone. My knee pain is only occasional and is quickly resolved taking a Glucosamine/Chondroitin supplement. My girls have taken it also and had great success with it. My little brother once asked me about my knees and I told him the same thing. He laughed at me and said "You take joint juice?" I nervously looked at him and said, "I am not sure what you mean by that but yes, if we are talking about the same thing, but in pill form". He chuckled. To this day I am not sure what was so funny but I can tell you that it works! I get my joint supplement from the "W" supercenter that I love so much, and it works great.

I am learning as I go. Hopefully, this blog will not only keep me accountable and on task but it might save you from a few of the pains/mistakes I made along the way. Thanks again for your support. For those of you who are finding the courage to begin to run, "You go Girl!" or "You go Dude!". See you on the trail!

WEEK ONE

It has been a long journey just to get to week one of our 16 week training program. It was a few years ago that the seed was planted. I would like to say that I have been consistent with running but I haven't. I can say that I have consistently had the desire to improve and keep running. So over the last few years we have fallen off the running waggon but we have continually picked ourselves up and EVENTUALLY started running again.





There was another year that I was determined that we were going to run. Unfortunately, for many years I have fought infections in my lungs. I would have coughing fits that would last for months at times and many years I have ended up in the hospital due to my breathing problems. We had begun our training at one point but only a few weeks into it I was very ill and required hospitalization again. It was frustrating and I admit that I questioned if I would really ever be well enough to run a marathon.





It is a couple of years later and we now live a lot further north without the humidity, pollen and pollution that we had become accustomed to in Houston. Last year was the first year in 13 years that I did not battle my sickness. It was encouraging and has filled me with hope all over again that I can train for a marathon. So far, so good. We have made it through moving, winter with no sickness, summer and our oldest child getting married, starting a new homeschooling program that has been very time consuming and we are still right on track for our training schedule. It has been a lot of pre training to get us back to the point that we were at before but we are here and we are committed. Amanda is a senior, I am going to turn 40 and this IS our year.

This blog is to keep me accountable and to let everyone know that I am committed! Keep me on my toes... don't hesitate to give me that "not-so-gentle push" when I need it. Thanks for the support, it has been a long journey just to get this far. I can't wait to see that finish line!






WEEK ONE:

We are doing a 4 day a week training plan. The first week is 3, 4, 3, 5 miles. It is a total of 15 miles this week. We are happy to report that we have succeeded. This morning we ran a 5K that a member of our ward put together. We knew going in that we were going to have to do the 5K and then keep going 2 plus miles as we had scheduled our long run for today. It was a little harder than expected largely due to the fact that the 5K had some hill running that we don't usually do. Fortunately for us, the marathon that we are training for is in Houston around a lake and is nice and FLAT! So, we did finish our long run and logged all our 15 miles for the week but it was certainly more difficult than we had thought. Each day we are feeling a little stronger and look forward to our runs.

Marathon Training.... Finally

When I first started to run it certainly was never in my thought process that I would EVER try a marathon. Who does that? Crazy people! Even though one of the very first books that I read was "Running With Angels", by Pam Hansen who I found great strength from reading her book. It is a story of an overweight lady who is determined to run a marathon and her year long journey of training to make it happen and her weight loss in the process. Me even reading the book was somewhat of an accident. I had a good friend who told me about a book that she ran across that is great motivation for losing weight. She also told me that it was kind of neat to read because it was a lady that she served a mission with years ago and asked if I would like to read it. I said yes, only due to the losing weight factor, but at no point thought that I would ever desire to run a marathon.

One of the things that Pam Hansen suggested was reading a book called the Non Runners Marathon Trainer. I decided to read it just to get some tips for completing my mini-TRI, which seemed like a marathon to me. An amazing thing happened as I picked up that book and turned the pages. Somewhere in the back of my mind came this teeny-tiny desire and belief that I could actually set my goals for a marathon. I pushed it away and continued to read the book just for the positive mental training and running tips. It wasn't too long after that when I was doing a training run with my "partner" Amanda that she said, "I would like to run a marathon someday Mom, we should do it together." I laughed, she looked at me and said, "I am not kidding". It was then that I made that fatal mistake of agreeing to do that with her someday. I even went so far (feeling a little confident from reading again) that I thought we could do it before she graduated from high school. Who knew 4 years would fly by so quickly?

TRI, TRI, TRI Again.... Or NOT!

I have always subscribed to the thought that you "try, try and try again" but I have to say I am not a believer in "TRI, TRI, TRI again". In part, I am sure it is due to my lack of preparedness for the swimming and biking. The other part being that I just did not enjoy it that much. It was hard, I was tired, glad that we went but even happier that it was behind me. Perhaps that is something that I will want to TRI again in the future when I am stronger and in better shape. But as for now, at least I found that the part of the triathlon that I figured was going to be the hardest ended up being my favorite... the running.

I can say that I took a few really good things away from our mini-TRI experience. The first being that I found a great training partner. Amanda and I have been running together ever since then. We take turns dragging each other out but we both share that love of making our feet move from under us. Second is just the love of jogging that developed through the TRI training process. Third, we set a goal and accomplished it. For now my motto still is "TRI, TRI, TRI... Never again!".

My First 5K

Books are powerful. To think that reading a book had given me so much confidence that I could accomplish something that was so monumental for me is insane. It was race day, I woke early, drove my 45 plus minutes, got out of the car, looked around and wondered "What in the world was I doing here and had I lost the little bit of mind that I had left?" I hoped that nobody saw me, I could jump back in the car, go back home and nobody would be the wiser.

Apparently the look of shock and panic was pretty much written all over my stone white face. My husband quickly came up behind me and asked me what was wrong. I told him that I wasn't quite feeling so confident or ready. He assured me that I had trained and would do just fine. With a not so gentle push we were stepping closer and closer to the sign in table. I found myself looking around and comparing my body shape with every other person in the parking lot. I felt so out of my league. It was all I could do just to make my feet WALK to the table, how was I going to jog?

By the time that I got to the registration/sign in table, I was very thankful for the sunglasses that I had on. Tears were starting to form and there was nothing that I could do to stop them. I was embarrassed, had no confidence and just wanted to hide. There was a friendly older lady who must have been in her 70's working the table who asked me for my information. I could not get words from my mouth, only scared little squeaks followed by gushing tears that no sunglasses could have hidden. My darling and supportive husband quickly jumped in and explained that I had never done anything like this before, had been training, was ready but scared. She quickly jumped up and hugged me and told me how sad she was that she didn't bring HER running shoes that day! She explained that normally she runs the 5K every time but they were short with help today so she had agreed to help them. In all honesty, all I could think is "Oh great, I am even going to get beat by a 70 something year old woman". I could have just crawled under that table and died.

After much reassurance that I could do it and being told over and over that this was a natural fear I was having, I gripped my inhaler tight and headed for that starting line. My feelings of fear spread through the crowd like wild fire. Soon people were coming up and patting me on my back and telling me not to worry, that I was only competing with myself and that this was a great race to start with. I know that they were trying to help but I just wanted to be invisible. I put on my not-so-convincing fake smile and shook my head in agreement. I silently prayed that my Father in Heaven would help me to accomplish this mighty task that I had been preparing for.

I made the decision to start in the back of line so that I would not have to mentally go through that process of "Oh no, everyone is passing me". I remembered some things that I read about only concentrating on yourself and completing the race, not worrying about the time, only the finish line. All to soon that gun shot went off and everyone was on their way. I remember hearing my husband yell his support and waving to me. I have to admit that I do not think that I would have gone through with it if he had not been there. It would of been so easy to jump in the car and go comfort myself with a warm, fat McDonald's breakfast. Anything would have felt better than this!

It took several minutes before I could start to get a grip on my emotions and start concentrating on my breathing pattern. With each step I could feel my confidence starting to return and would pull mental excerpts from the books that I read. I kept telling myself that "Time does not matter. This is something between Me and Me. I can do this." Pretty soon (well, not really soon) I found myself at the first water station and hearing a word of encouragement. The man was kind enough to wait for me to go past him at least before he started folding it up and loading things in his car. I couldn't help but notice that I was not only the last one to go by, but I was also the only one left on that block with no other runners in sight. "It was okay, it didn't matter... this was between Me and Me", I kept telling myself over and over until I believed it again.

It seemed like eternity before I saw the last sign pointing the way. My husband even called me on my cell phone to make sure that I was doing okay. Yes, I carried it with me just in case I needed an ambulance. =) I assured him that I was on the last part before the turn. My legs were burning, my breath was short, I wasn't sure if I had missed a turn (I was losing my confidence that I was still on the path) but I was not going to stop at this point.

Finally, the last corner came up and I could see the end in sight. There were crowds gathered around the school parking lot looking for me. They were lined up and soon heading my way. A large crowd of runners were coming for me to help me cross that finish line. There were shouts of joy, part of me wondered if it was just so they could finally go home after waiting for me to finish, but the other part of me was overwhelmed with joy that I had done it and grateful for their kindness. There was nothing that I could do to control my emotion. I knew what a difficult road this had been for me to get here. I was slow but I was here. Not only were tears streaking down my face but sobs were escaping as well. This was huge and I was empowered.

Note: this is not a pic of my finish line, I did not get any pics as entertaining as it might have been!

OBSESSED/DRIVEN

As I was searching for something to keep me motivated and improving I came across a couple of things that interested me. One was a local 5k run (45 minutes away- but that was local for Houston) and it ran twice a month with only a ONE dollar entry fee. I was hooked on that right away... just my price! The second thing must have been a moment of insanity. Yes, not surprising- I have those quite often. I knew I must push myself and I had to find something to commit to. So, with a lot of begging I convince Amanda to be my partner in a family mini-triathlon. I may have had to talk her into it, but she is the one that kept me committed to finishing the TRI.

With several months of training still in store for the TRI, I knew I needed to focus on the running. Originally I figured that the running was going to be the hardest thing for me to finish. We planned out our bike rides and a couple of swims. Silly me, figured that since I was such a strong swimmer through my teen years that the swimming was going to be no big deal. Hahahahahahahahahahahahahaha. Perhaps I was in denial of how many years ago that really was? My first plan of action was to complete the 5K.

I found some good information about training on the Internet and a couple of excellent books. I devoured many great training books that helped shape my attitude right away. A couple of them just became some of my all time favorite books that I have ever read from the mental lessons that I learned. I felt stronger and stronger each time I would read another chapter. I had a plan, I had some training in mind, feeling confident and somewhat obsessed.

That First Mile

It's funny that as active as I was as a child that running was not something that I realized that I loved. It was just something that we did as we were having fun. In fact I look back and remember those P.E. tests that I just dreaded in school... you know the ones that you have a certain amount of time to run a mile. I look back at those and started thinking, "I have never ran a mile straight without stopping one single time in my life". At least it was not something that I had done and was aware of it. I was the typical girl that sat and chatted with my friends, the coach would yell and tell us to get going, so we would run awhile, then stop and walk/chat and then run again when we knew that our time was short. It was a little shocking for me to realize that as a 30-something Mom I had never run a mile in my life.
This became my new goal in life. As sad as it is, I had the goal of running 1, yes 1 mile without stopping. I started by going to the track at our local high school with a few of my children, I was not about to do this alone. After getting some advice from a mother of 9 children who had an awesomely fit body and she was a runner, I took off. I simply started by running (well slowly jogging) the straights and walking the curves. It took about a week of doing this before I was brave enough to try running 1 WHOLE lap! I say that with a little smirk but I remember the feeling of sheer accomplishment when that day arrived. I continued this pattern until I could do 2 WHOLE laps and so on.
Finally the day arrived, about a month after starting my intense training (hahaha... only appreciated by those who share my poor condition) that I was going to be brave enough to try a whole mile. I felt strong, I felt confident and it was time. I took off and after about a lap I questioned my ability to really do this, but decided that I was not going to stop. If my legs were going to stay attached to my body they were going to get me through this mile. By the last lap (which happened to be on my treadmill that day due to the extreme Texas heat), my children had gathered around and were cheering me on. They appreciated what an accomplishment this was for me after going to the track with me so often over that last month. This drove me further to make sure that I finished that 1 mile mark. When that 1 mile light was flashing, I couldn't help but break down and cry. Something that was so easy for so many fit people had been a HUGE accomplishment for me. My eyes were filled with tears and my ears were filled with the cheers of my children.
I made sure to hit the treadmill the next day just to make sure that I could do it again. I did. But I knew that I had to go run on the track to make it really feel official. It didn't help that there was a skinny, little, young thing in my ward at church that made a comment to me once. She said something along the lines of "Well running on the treadmill is easy, I could do that all day long, it isn't anything compared to running outdoors". This then became the challenge that I had to prove to myself that I could do it either way. Guess what? Running on the track did feel different on my muscles than on the treadmill. I wouldn't go so far as to say that the treadmill didn't count but I certainly could feel a different set of muscles being used as I was projecting my self more than I would just running in place. None the less, I was just as able to run outdoors as I was on the treadmill. The biggest difference was the lack of my treadmill fan blowing on me and cooling me verses the warmth of the Texas sun beating down on me with no breeze.
After that first mile, I was addicted to that feeling of accomplishment. Once again, I realize how pathetic that must sound to someone who is an accomplished runner. But that was a life lesson for me, I could work a step at a time and become stronger and stronger. The end of the race wasn't where you gained the feeling of being a winner, it really was the journey and the strength you gain along the way. My next goal was in sight... I was going to begin training for a 5K.

The Road Here

Sometimes I just have these crazy random questions that flow through my ever thinking head. One day I wondered "When was the last time that I picked up and carried my oldest daughter?". At this point she was a young teenager and the question just saddened me. I could not identify the very last time that I picked her up and carried her. When at one time picking her up was just an every day event such as her falling asleep in the car, I would carry her in. When I would wake her up in the morning, I would give her a hug and then pick her up to carry her off to another room. If she got a "boo boo", she was gathered in my arms and comforted. It became a moment of heart ache to think that in all reality there was a day that I picked her up and carried her for the very last time and I could not identify that moment. I am sure it was just another ordinary day, one that was followed by many others without the thought of "That was the very last time that I would pick up and carry my daughter". It just was something that was not noted and didn't seem like a big event at the time. No thought was given and the years passed.
My mind began to race wondering, how many of those moments I have had throughout my life that I did something for the very last time? I began to recall childhood memories and the play and activity of a child. I thought of the hours without end playing, running, jumping, skipping and actively tackling each day. I wondered how many other things I had done on a regular basis early in life that I would not ever do again. It was a defining moment in my life. As silly as it sounds, I was plagued with sorrow for the loss of simple yet precious things of my childhood. When did I become this adult that didn't run, jump and skip? When did my attitude shift from the thought of running is joyful to running is horrible? I even wondered if I could run? I hadn't tried in so long, how would my body react?
It was then that I decided that there were things in my life that I could control and there were things that I could not control. I couldn't keep my sweet daughter from continuing to grow and chances are really good that I couldn't very well control the fact that I wasn't going to be able to carry her around any more. However, I could control whether I had already experienced my last time of running or not. I wanted to feel that sensation of air flowing through my hair and brushing my face, my lungs contracting in and out and even that burn in my legs as I pushed them to go faster.
What was once a carefree activity was now something that seemed almost dream like. Partly due to the fact that over the years of inactivity I seemed to develop asthma and partly because of the years of inactivity I seemed to contract a large amount of fat deposits distributed very evenly over my entire body. Not that me being extra fluffy (as I like to call it) was going to keep me from running but the lack of muscle and the replacement of TONS (well, TONS might be a slight exaggeration, but maybe 1/2 a Ton) of fat was not to my advantage!
No worries about me wanting to feel the contraction in my lungs, I felt it! The burning in the legs seemed to spread to my entire body. As far as the wind in my hair, that only happens on a day with a good breeze. I am lucky to ever go fast enough to make my hair move. But I had a dream and I knew that it was something that was within my control unlike picking up and carrying my daughter again. Thus began my journey to regain something that was once dear to me.