Week two has come to an end and we are happy to have survived. Being so inexperienced at the whole running thing, each week brings tons of lessons. I have gone into this whole ordeal knowing that I am physically challenged and thinking that the struggle was going to be getting my body to do the physical requirements. What I have found already is that marathon training is equally as mentally challenging. This week I have been all over the map mentally. I have gone from a high of completing a 5K and NOT being the last person to finish (my first event to not have the crowd join me at the end.... sigh of relief) and feeling stronger each day to the low of thinking that this is the most ridiculous idea that I have ever come up with and wanting to quit.
I went "running" with my hubby this week and found that to be very mentally discouraging. Not that he meant it to be in any way and probably isn't aware of how much it affected me (uhhh.... until he reads this post, lol). Poor guy- as usual, he is just trying to help. I know that I am the slowest "runner" that most people will ever meet in their life time, it is just the way it is. In fact it has become a joke over the last couple of years that "I run in jogging position at walking speed". Sammy, my youngest son, even asked me once, "Mom, why do you walk faster than you run?" The innocence of a child. I can laugh most of the time at this. I guess I was getting a little more confident as I have trained and I am used to running with Amanda who will get ahead of me and then very kindly jog in place (or back to me) while I catch up. Well, when Rick went with me he decided that it was just easier to walk quickly next to me. Only occasionally would he have to "jog" a step of two to keep up. And I mean quite literally... a step or two at the most... and that wasn't often! This became very discouraging to me. It made me question the whole thing and think about how ridiculous this all is. Who am I fooling? The answer kept creeping in my head... myself.
This is a place that I have found myself in before. I have to keep asking, "Who am I doing this for?" and "What is my purpose?" The "Who" part is really a two-fold answer. I am doing this for myself, to strengthen my body and mind but I am also doing this for my family and all those that are dearest to me. I want to be healthy and strong and do all I can to be there for them and be able to see them grow. In all reality, for that to happen there has to be a physical change that takes place and I have to make my health more of a priority. The "What is my purpose" part is equally as complicated to answer. Health, regular training schedule, accomplishing a personal goal, doing something that so few in our society ever try, spending time with my sweet daughter... are all good answers and all play a part. The most honest answer is probably "just to prove to myself that I can accomplish something that is so personally challenging taking one step at a time". Why do I have to keep measuring my success based on another person's success? So what if I am the slowest person in the event.... I am doing it, right? I am getting healthier and stronger in the process. I am achieving my goal. Now, how do I really get that into my brain? I am not sure, I guess just keep taking one step at a time.
This week was equally challenging for my darling running partner. I am sharing WAY more on here than my comfort zone but I want this to be completely honest, so that when we look back we remember the lessons that we have learned and the process of learning them. Manda just had one of those difficult "growing up" weeks. It was EXTREMELY emotional and difficult. I think it just all caught up with her during our long run on Saturday and she began to crumble. The run was just hard and felt a little bit symbolic of how life was feeling. I have found that the first mile to a mile and a half is ALWAYS difficult for me, if I push through it my lungs will begin to relax and there comes a point that jogging is joyful. I was just getting to that point, feeling the joy and I realized that my running partner that is always in the lead was WAY behind me. I felt good, so I just kept going.
It wasn't long before I came to an obstacle in the path that was going to require me to turn around and jog the other direction. I decided this was a good opportunity to see why Manda was being so slow. I headed back her way and found her in complete shambles. I asked her, "What is going on?". She could hardly speak and just said, "I can't do it, it is just too hard". I wish I could say that I was sympathetic and sensitive to what was really going on inside of her. I wasn't. I quickly told her to stop letting her mind control her body and kept going. Wow... one of my finer mothering moments, eh? I was irritated that right when I got to the part that was easier for me, she broke down.
There are so many life lessons to learn every day. I am grateful for a quiet, loving, still small voice that speaks to me and continually teaches me. Some say this is your conscious, some say a motherly intuition but as for me, I believe it is the voice of a very holy and sacred spiritual guide called the Holy Ghost. As I continued to run and be irritated instead of loving and understanding I couldn't help but have flashes of all the times that she ran next to me when I go tremendously below her speed. I thought of all the mornings (and evenings) that she was the one next to me encouraging me not to give up. More than once she would go get my inhaler that I carelessly left behind and a million other things without complaint or being critical of me. Here I was so caught up in myself that I left her alone feeling defeated.
I was humbled and ashamed of myself that I had to be reminded of all that she has done for me. I stopped running and went back to her once again and this time with a different heart. I hugged her and told her that we would just stick together and do whatever she needed. She put her chin up, took a few steps, gave it her all just to breath in and out steadily. I heard a few gasps for air and she fought the sobs that kept trying to escape and my heart broke for her. Once again in life she showed me what she is made of. When things are difficult for her, she holds her head up and keeps going. By the third mile she was back to her normal pace (way ahead of me) and very considerately jogging in place and waiting patiently for me to catch up. By the fifth mile she was climbing in a tree to pick her mom an apple as she waited for me. By the sixth mile, she was cheering me on telling me how proud she was of me and what a great job I was doing as she was waiting at our finishing marker. If the only thing I ever gain from the marathon training is realizing how blessed I am to have such a wonderful daughter, then it is all worth it.
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